Advice from a ScarletGirl
Dani's Answer: How do I keep things light?
by Veronica St. Claire
One of the things that happens when you get married is that you become the de facto relationship guru for all of your single friends, regardless of just how much you might actually know about the whole circus. As far as Iím concerned I got pretty lucky in turning this dude into my husband -- when we met I was hammered and he was very nearly a one night stand. Something that would have squashed any thoughts of a relationship on his end, I have been told. Good thing I passed out first, eh?
So what the hell do I know about how to find a guy? I stumbled into this thing. Literally.
Still, my single besties come to me for advice from time to time and I suppose that, however sordid our first meeting, my man and I have achieved a certain state of domestic bliss, and Iíve definitely learned a few things along the way. Which, if you like, Iím happy to pass on.
One of my favorite people in the whole world, a gal Iíll call Dani, is living it up as a newly single chick in the Big Apple. I am insanely jealous of her fancy life, broom closet apartment in Brooklyn and all. Recently, however, she started texting me for some help with a new piece of man candy (my word, not hers).
Dani: I need your advice.
Dani: Ok -- thereís this guy. I want to fuck him but I donít want it to become a thing. Iím nervous Iíll fall for him and I CANNOT do that. How do I do this? A 30-year-old woman has needs and one of those is sex but right now one of those is NOT a relationship.
First, this chick is not 30 yet. Donít play the age card with a 30-something until youíre actually in the club.
Second, Iíve been where she is, and there are definitely a few things she, and you, can do if you want the fun without the feelings.
Donít Lie to Yourself
You might be able to lie to me, hunny, but you canít lie to yourself. Is a friends-with-benefits type situation really what you are actually looking for, or are you just telling yourself that in order to open a door with this particular person? Because thatís going to blow up in your face almost every single time. Iím a romantic too, girl, and I know itís easy and nice to think that once you two get together your FWB is going to see how good youíd be together and youíll end up in a relationship. But the reality is that if you go into this under false pretenses, lying to yourself, your FWB, or both, someone is going to end up hurt.
If youíre clear on what you want, however, then we can move on.
The best way to handle this, or any fuck buddy situation, is to come out and be honest about it from the beginning. If youíre clear with yourself about what you really want, then the next step is to make it clear to the other person. Thereís no formula for when to have this little conversation, but when the moment is right, the old standard, ďIím not really looking for a relationship right nowĒ should do nicely. It makes your intentions obvious without getting awkward. And setting up the atmosphere between the two of you like that should help you keep your emotions in check, too. At least, itíll be a thing to look back on if you start catching feelings -- you were the one who defined this thing so thereís no ambiguity to start toying with later.
Stick to the Plan
Of course, shit happens. Feelings happen. In this case, if that is not what you want, you need to actively guard the fortress of your heart, hunny. Get out there and play the field. (Safely, of course.) Donít let yourself start pretending that your fuck buddy is your significant other by letting him or her be too significant. Youíre single, sister. Youíre flirting and flouncing and working the scene. You donít have to start sleeping with ten different people, but if you donít want your fuck buddy to start feeling like a boyfriend or girlfriend then you canít treat them like one.
Plan Your Retreat
Donít be afraid to end it. Ending it can be one of the worst things ever on the planet, I know, but again, weíre looking out for your feelings, babe. Sometimes that means being harsh on yourself. You donít want feelings for, or a relationship with, this person? Then shut it down, sister.
Do not indulge in this. Too much dessert you can work off at the gym -- a bad relationship is a bit harder to shake. Youíve got to be honest with yourself -- only you can really know when youíre starting to get in too deep. And when you do, whatís your strategy? Calling a friend to shake some sense into you? Ending it immediately, like ripping off a bandaid? Whatever it is, stick to it. Itís not fair to you or your partner to toss out the ďnot looking for a relationshipĒ card if you arenít being true to your true feelings or intentions.
Resist the Urge to Over-analyze
Finally, donít overthink it. We are masters at that, but it ruins us. Every time. Over thinking a dating / fuckbuddy situation can complicate a situation as much as not thinking things through ahead of time. If youíve both laid out, and agreed upon, the guidelines about what this is, take everything at face value.
Have fun. You are allowed to just have fun without endlessly dissecting every single possible outcome, or doubting your own motives or worthiness. Get laid, girl. Get a piece of sweet naked candy and to hell with the calories, right? Thatís why we have the gym.
Ms. St. Claire lives by the sea with a husband and two kids, dispensing cocktails (when needed) and advice (when requested).
She's a free-wheeling, high-spirited sexpot-turned-home maker, who, with the wry wisdom of her experience, now councils the gals who come into her sphere with a highball and a smile.