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How to Avoid the "That's a gift for you, not me!" Trap
How to Avoid the \"That\'s a gift for you, not me!\" Trap

Avoiding the "That's a gift for you, not me!" trap.

So, this one is geared mostly for you, gentlemen. Though, by no means is it only for the guys. Have you ever given your love a sexy gift, only to have her push it back toward you and say that what you really picked out is a gift for you, not her? Well, as a woman I'm here to tell you that one of the ways to avoid that disappointing response is to think about how you present your gift!

The mysterious mind of woman
About a year ago, a buddy I met through my mate asked if he could pick my brain for some tips as both a woman and a love goddess in general. How could I turn down a request like that? Basically, what he wanted to know was how to get his wife of 20+ years interested in him again. He ran down some of the attempts he had made (mostly unsuccessfully), and while they were good, I gently let him know that he needed to change his initial focus. His attention was almost entirely on the sexual aspect of things, and what he needed to focus on first was making her feel secure, cared for, and loved.

I was thoroughly delighted when my mate came to join the conversation and immediately told his buddy the same thing. "Dude, if you’re serious about wanting to turn her on to you again, clean the house, make dinner, and do the dishes without her asking, and do it regularly. It's not a one-time thing. Do all the stuff you’ve been promising to take care of, and just see what happens." He's correct. Guys, if you don't read any further, just keep that point in mind. Romance is awesome and important, but attempts at romance can feel hollow without the basic partnership we need already in place!

If you want to get closer... be closer
Maybe it's evolution, maybe it's societal, but the basic truth is that women generally want to have sex when we already feel close to a partner. For men the opposite can be true - they'll feel closer after sex. Either way, the truth is if you want a more satisfying love life with your long term partner you should keep in mind that a partner who feels cared for is much more open to lovin'.

Downtime as foreplay? Yep.
You probably have a busy life, right? Kids, a full time job, a commute, a home, etc. And you're tired a lot. So is she. And being exhausted is doing more to kill your partner's libido than anything else (and this is true for men and women). So if you come home out of the blue with a sheer, lacy little number for her to wear, she's likely to view it as just one more demand on her time and attention, rather than as a compliment to how much you still desire her.

As one of my stay-at-home-mom friends put it, "I've got little people hanging off of me during the day who need my constant love, care and attention, and my body has not belonged only to me since before they were born. I still love and want my husband, but when he walks in at night and wants a kiss and a squeeze I'm just not in that state of mind, and it can feel like another demand on me." Mom, manager, and lover are very separate roles, and it can be a little tough to move from one to another seamlessly.

It's true; men and women think differently
You guys may be visual, have a filter that allows you to see through all the little body flaws we obsess on, and to shut out everyday distractions when sex is involved, but we ladies tend to be up in our heads pretty much all the time. It's what allows us to track who has a soccer game, pay bills on time, keep up with schoolwork, kiss owies, clean house, and still do our full- time jobs well. But it doesn't leave us feeling sexy. And fellas, we gotta feel sexy before we get to sexy-time with you. Our brains are our biggest sexual organ, and the mind the biggest erogenous zone. So if you want into that zone, what you need to know is that a relaxed woman who feels cared for is much more likely to be interested in going to sexy town with you.

I'm not saying that you need to whisk her away for a weekend in Paris to get some, (I'm also not saying it would hurt! Honey, are you reading this?), but reminding her in non-sexual ways how much you care for and want her goes a long way. In other words, how about you include some serious "her-time" with that gift of teddy and stockings? Write out a card or a note, and let her know that she is still the same enchanting creature as when you first met, and that some serious down time is a companion gift with the lingerie.

Tips from someone who's been there
Pick a date when you can clear the entire calendar, and do it. Make sure the kids are cared for, the house is cleaned up (you'd be surprised how hard it is for us lady-types to feel hot when our surroundings are chaotic. I'm just saying.). Bring in some simple, elegant, snacks: an inexpensive champagne and a plate of cheese and grapes and a few chocolates are nice, and won't break the bank. Light some candles and put on soft music to set the mood, then sit down with her and connect. Have a conversation. Rub her neck, draw a bath (make sure all the mundane items like toothbrushes are put away), or even invite her to take a nap together. Basically your goal is to treat her the way you did when the two of you were still courting; when you were wooing, and trying to impress her. It's ongoing, not a one time quid pro quo for sex thing.

You'll be surprised at how small, sincere gestures can have a huge effect on your mate. Instead of presenting lingerie as a request for her to dress up for you, make it clear that you already think she's the most amazing woman to ever draw breath, and treat her that way. If you want to unleash the vixen inside her, you have to treat her like one first.

Article author, Vicki Kriner, is a small business aficionado, sometime author, purveyor of pleasure, and vivacious vixen with nearly two decades in the world of customer service, business building, and the general realm of helping others succeed.

She has worked with Scarlet Girl for several years, and wears many hats in the company. Vicki travels between Vancouver, WA, Portland, OR, and the San Francisco Bay Area to give pleasure party presentations, conduct consultant training, and to network. Recently she has begun presenting mini-lectures on safer sex, and personal safety awareness for business women and students, in addition to her regular pleasure party presentations. Vicki loves working with people, and finds talking about herself in the third person a bit awkward.

This article was added to our catalog on Wednesday 15 December, 2010.

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